One of the most personal blogs that I have written:- Today, we\’re going to be talking about sex. Ten pointers to keep in mind before & after the act of sex, foreplay, etc…
I\’m not a sexologist myself, but here are some things I\’ve learned over time.
In this blog, we are going to cover the basics of good intimacy & sex life with your partner. Going deep into the importance of foreplay, consent, comfort, safety when it comes to sex, erotica as pornography, masturbation, the hookup culture & so much more.
This is going to be the most non-sleazy, most straight-up, most real conversation about SEX on the internet. I feel like a lot of young men especially, but even young women don\’t get the right guidance when it comes to good sex, the right practices related to sex. That\’s why we\’ll be talking about this super openly.
I also feel that these topics weren\’t really spoken about earlier on and we need to be the generation that normalizes conversations about sex so,
TIP 1 – CCP
CCP – Consent, Comfort, and Protection
- Consent – Do not force yourself on anyone. It hurts me that we have to even address this as one particular point. It should be hard-wired in our heads that you don\’t try forcing yourself on someone without their consent.
If he/she says NO it means NO. If he/she says I DON’T KNOW it means NO. Every person should know. It is the golden rule of sex.
A lot of young guys get carried away because of their own horniness. They can\’t help themselves at that moment, and they kind of almost force themselves on their partners. If your partner is not giving you their consent, you don\’t take the act forward.
Consent is the basis of not just good sex, but sex in general. Ensure this box is ticked before moving forward.
- Comfort – Good sex demands both your and your partner’s absolute comfort. This is sort of the next level of consent.
Suppose you\’re getting physical with someone and you just kind of feel a vibe that they\’re not comfortable with what y\’all are doing then revisit the consent conversation. If they\’re not comfortable with you doing something then communicate with them.
Only through communication will you know if the equation is comfortable.
- Protection – In the age of online dating and hook-ups, the truth is that STD’s are extremely rampant.
I have had conversations with gynecologists, and they have spoken about how STDs are a lot more prevalent than they used to be even 10-15 years back.
Use protection, use condoms, have conversations about hygienic sex.
As individuals, each of us needs to be extremely careful.
TIP 2- EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
The second basic rule of good sex is the intellectual and emotional connection that happens before you get physical with someone.
We live in an age where so many people believe that sex is just about physical closeness, basically just banging raw bodies against each other. That\’s not good sex, that\’s forgettable
Good sex happens with someone that you love. Love improves the sex even if all the other
eight points that we\’ll speak about after are not followed. But if love is shared between two souls, that improves the quality of sex.
Now if you\’re not sure if you love the other person yet, one level before love is called intellectual and emotional intimacy.
Great sex doesn\’t begin in the bedroom, great sex begins on the dinner table.
Understand the person that you\’re going to have sex with because that\’s where great sex begins.
You\’ll be making it better for your partner through comfort. Create that comfort by having a very deep conversation first.
TIP 3 – STRETCH THE FOREPLAY
Many people kind of just want to move into the act of penetration without understanding that foreplay is what really enhances sex.
The experience of sex for men and women is different. Bodies of men and women are built in different ways.
The experience of sex for men is kind of low, while you\’re stroking. At the point of ejaculation, there\’s an explosion of feel-good hormones and that\’s what sex is for guys. It\’s all about that one
moment of the orgasm.
A woman\’s body works differently. It\’s not about just that one moment, it\’s about the whole act.
Probably before the foreplay begins but especially during the foreplay. It\’s a fundamental difference that you only learn through experience.
It\’s like a slow build-up of a liquid that just oozes out of a glass at some point. The more you have a slow build-up, the better it is in terms of giving your partner pleasure. Of course, this isn\’t the general rule for all women but this does work to a certain degree
Ensure that they feel you\’re respecting, loving, and exploring every single part of their body.
Focus a lot on your foreplay, keep it slow, keep it enjoyable. Now again, this might be subjective, as some might even like it to be fast, but good foreplay never hurt anybody.
TIP 4 – OPEN COMMUNICATION
Know when to communicate, and when to shut up during sex.
Great sex sometimes doesn\’t happen from the start. We develop that equation over time through intense levels of communication.
The best way to know what to say when is to mimic your partner’s energy and body language. This is a general communication skills trick that perfectly makes its way to the bedroom as well.
If you want to do something or want something, in particular, communicate with your partner.
There\’s not a single partner in the world who won\’t appreciate some form of communication. Tell them what you like and want. Ask them what they like.
There’s a lot of silent communication that happens in the bedroom, while that’s great to keep the vibe, sometimes, verbally communicating your experience can enhance the experience of sex
TIP 5 – GOOD KISSING
Learn how to be a good kisser. It is a life skill especially in the bedroom to enhance your relationship.
The basis of good kissing is spotting the other person\’s energy levels and mimicking them.
Be a good kisser even while you\’re having sex.
Ensure that you don\’t limit yourself to just the lips. Kiss them on the neck, kiss them on the ears, explore the body a little bit.
When it comes to women they have two sensitive spots for sure – The reproductive organs and the breasts.
But there are also more sensitive spots on the body and that\’s for you to find out. You need to find it through your kisses.
The same rule applies to men as well.
TIP 6 – LESS PORN = BETTER SEX
The lesser the porn, the better the sex. The sex that\’s shown in porn is violent, it\’s not natural, it\’s too fast, it\’s too sexist. That\’s not how the real version of sex is. Real sex is slow and romantic.
If you are a guy, try practicing NoFap, it will improve your sex life heavily. NoFap means no masturbation.
I knew guys in college who used to have sex with their partners and they would not orgasm during the act of sex. Eventually, they would ask their partners to give them a hand job
because they were so addicted to masturbation. That\’s not a very good scenario in a relationship. Moreover, the kind of erections you get when you practice NoFap are way stronger.
Watching porn once in a while is fine but porn addiction is terrible. I know that\’s a lot of men with porn addiction and don\’t worry it\’s normal as you are growing up. You can come out of it, just reduce the frequency.
TIP 7 – EROTICA OVER PORN
If you have to watch porn once in a while then, preferably try watching erotica. Erotica is porn for women.
The difference between normal porn and erotica is that normal porn is violent, where
people are screaming, going crazy and the speed is intense. Erotica is much slower, more gentle, the partners explore each other\’s bodies and it is aesthetically pleasing.
Learn from erotica. You can use some of those tricks in the bedroom because that\’s realistic sex. As a guy, you will learn what sex is from a fantasizing perspective of a woman.
TIP 8 – SCENTS AND SEX
This is an underrated point. The environment in your bedroom should be hygienic & romantic when you are going to have sex. Make sure your bedroom is welcoming. Environments matter a lot as it influences the vibe.
Just how wearing the right cologne can affect your mood. In the same way, good perfumes, scented candles, or flowers can truly enhance the aura. Make your partner feel the romance, the love, after all, it’s all about the vibe.
Ensure you spray some cologne on yourself before sex. Ensure you spray some on your bed, it\’s a slightly alternative trick that works like magic. It\’ll make your partner feel like she\’s a queen or he\’s a king.
Just ensure you\’re kind of presenting the best possible environment for your partner.
TIP 9 – BE A GIVER
This is one of those points that just overshadows every single other point. If you don\’t follow any of those rules (except Tip 1) but you just follow this one rule, your sex life is going to skyrocket in terms of quality.
Three words which are the most important pieces of sex advice you\’ll ever get -BE A GIVER
The two reasons people become takers:
- There are too many people in the world who are takers. They go about life taking things from other human beings and that selfish attitude makes its way to the bedroom.
- Some people just haven\’t explored their own bodies, they\’ve never masturbated in life, they\’ve not spoken about sex that\’s why they end up being takers in bed as they don’t know what to do.
If your partner is a taker, you should convey that to them because it can affect your relationship and your sex life badly in the long term.
Keep in mind that you, yourself should be a giver. Be a giver in bed, in your relationship, and in love. Being a giver will improve your sex life but ensure that it\’s not a one-way relationship. The other person has to reciprocate as well.
The best sex is had between two givers.
TIP 10 – NORMALISE SEX
The big reason that people are facing so many problems in their sex life is primarily because we\’ve put sex on a pedestal. In a modern-day society like India – the land of the kama sutra, we used to view sex as just a part of life.
There\’s nothing in your life that should govern it entirely. Don\’t put something on a pedestal so much that it takes over your mind and your life.
Why can\’t we just perceive it like it\’s a part of life? Why can\’t we normalize the conversation about sex?
It begins in restaurants, in friend groups, in conversations with people of the opposite sex. When someone speaks about sex, do not get disgusted or outraged.
Normalize it in the same way you\’d normalize a conversation about a T.V. show.
If you want to improve at sex, have more conversations about it with older people, with younger people, with people your age, and witness your life and your perspectives change constantly.
Hope you guys gained some insight on the topic. Just remember to not keep sex on a pedestal, it is just as part of life as say, your career is. Here’s to being the generation that normalizes conversations like this.